I am afraid I have to carry on where my pal Peter Holmes of Reason Partners sensibly left off in excoriating the following from Marketing Magazine’s 2010: Industry Expert Predictions. Pete is far more polite than me, so I’ll begin by saying that the quoted ‘expert’ is one Andy Krupski, veteran suit, former BDA president-thingy and currently partner and President of the Hive.

It’s not just jargon laden it is, quite literally, nonsense.

He might as well have said: “Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/did gyre and womble in the wabe…” But then he’d be Lewis Carroll and a genius and he wouldn’t be quoted in Marketing Magazine, not to mention being 112 years dead on Wednesday. The quote reads as follows:

People will continue to buy and pay more for reliable brand reputations that enrich the depth and breadth of their own identity. The future belongs to any product that can give users a unique identity and place, be it real or virtual. 2010 will be about combining an engaging story with an immersive experience so that the brand becomes an avatar and the communications investment becomes an extension of the brand experience. Communications technology is now the enabler, source and subject matter of human entertainment as a result the concept of the “Avatar” has crossed the chasm into mainstream culture and branding.

As best I can make out this random assortment of nouns, verbs, adjectives, prepositions, conjunctions and such translates thusly:

Brands will continue to be a favourite with people who like them best. But any product that can offer customers a place in a witness protection program is definitely on a hiding to nothing.

Actually, the really interesting thing about 2010 is that brands will become earthly manifestations of deities [I assume line extensions will take the form of succubi and incubi] and in an unprecedented outpouring of corporate generosity, will distribute their entire marketing budgets among their customers.

In other news, “Avatar” looks certain not only to rack up a trillion or two at the box office, but will spawn a plague of flat-faced, blue-hued spokespeople on everything from cereal boxes to tampon commercials.

I’m only sorry that this wasn’t available to be entered into TAC’s 2009 Bully Awards. I think I could have placed at least.